damn spam

So far my wordpress spam filter has caught 37 spam comments.  Out of these 37 comments, there are only 3-4  different authors.

One of these same comments is being sent at least 30 times.  Everytime I post, there it is, several times over.

What the hell?

While I despise spam, I do understand that sending out 500 comments in a day with links on it can give you surprisingly good results.

Heck, try doing it on craiglist, and if you dodge the flaggers, you may get a few click throughs, which I suppose is the point.

Just seems excessive to send 5 or 6 of the same comment for each post.

Now I must admit, I admire the creative spammer.  This one I received yesterday, and felt compelled to approve it for all to see.  It made me feel good.  Sure he has links to a weird site that confuses me, and probably has links to porn if you investigate deeper than I, but the fact of the matter, is he or she put some effort into it and said something intelligent and thoughtful:

happiness today to my friend.

Trust, faith, love and smile

Lead you to happiness.

Not bad, spammer.  For that, I let you sit on the bottom of my previous post with your link waiting to be clicked by some unsuspecting passerby.

High five.

 

I am sore

Namaste!

 

So I took my first yoga class last night.

It was a mellow class to “open up the spine”

I must admit I felt 2 inches taller after class, and the throbbing in my back was significantly decreased.

Mentally too, it was good.  I feel less depressed today, and the pain in my muscles makes me feel like I did something constructive.
I was a little uncomfortable at first, it being my first class, not knowing anyone, learning something completely new.  The instructor went around in a circle and asked about our body concerns and current events.  Most people talked about their lower back, upper back etc.  When it came to my turn, I just blurted out that my back went out 2 weeks ago.  I felt stupid because I started out class with a total lie.  What was the reasoning for that?  Sure my back has been bothering me for a couple of weeks, but it certainly has not gone out, not since last year.  Did I want sympathy?  Extra attention?  shock value? 

Dont know.

 But class went on, even with my Karma reducing lie that may or may not have been discovered by the instructor.  (it did still stick in my mind throughout class, and still does today) 

I signed up for a 10 class deal (so I guess I have to go back 9 times) and I can tell my back really needs it.

Today,  I am sore.  Muscles I never knew  existed have been stretched and tested and now they protest.  I was probably the least flexable in class, a little discerning when I was the only one sitting vertical when everyone else bends over their legs and touches their forheads to their knees.  

I suppose we all have to start somewhere…

 

need?

So I heard back yesterday from “jo” at samaritans.org and it got me thinking (forgive me if I go WAY off on tangents…)

Definately was good to write all the stuff that was bothering me in an email and send it off to some stranger who is halfway across the world.  It was a bit releasing, like writing in this blog, but even more so.

The weird part was the response/questions I received back.  They seems a bit robotic at first.  Like the stereotypical  psychologist response: “and how does that make you feel”

Not having gone to therapy sessions, I guess I was just not used to this turn around and come back on me.  What did I expect?  I guess part of me expected the person to say that everything was going to be okay, that the best thing for me is to stick with what I am doing, go to my yoga classes, be thankful for what I have, yadda yadda yadda…

But I guess not.  So I wrote back, trying to answer the questions they came back with, and trying to be honest with myself.  One issue that came up:

My mother
(cue dramatic music here)

In writing to “Jo” I realized that I don’t have the support of my mom.  She loves me, yes. She wants me to succeed, but I think because she never took chances in life, (and I have, unsuccessfully at times) she doesn’t think that doing things outside the box will turn out ok.  Like my freelance work- HUGE for me to be out there like this- super insecure about myself and my work, and well, my last 2 clients hate me!  One won’t even return my emails.  This is not a good boost to my confidence, and makes that little mom voice in my head say, “you should settle down as a secretary at a large secure company and start a long career”

um… no. Even if the idea of being a secretary didn’t make me want to find sharp objects and hurl them in the air over my head, things don’t work like that, like the way they did in the 50’s, where you find a job, work hard, maybe become manager, work at that same company with yearly raises, bonuses until your 65, then retire with a fat pension and take the motorhome around the country for a few years until you end up on your recliner complaining about the nonsense Judge Wapner has to put up with.

Things just don’t work like that, and well, even if they did, I don’t think I would make it at a job like that til 65.  I would snap, and someone would get hurt.

So exposing myself and risking loosing my pride/sanity/hopes/whatlittleconfidanceididhave for doing some freelance work was so risky for me, and terrified me, and I haven’t gone forward with my self promotion stuff/business cards yet because these last two clients (who where undecided in what they wanted and big pains in the arse) are freaking me out.

 What if I can’t do this?

Am I going to burst out crying in frustration and be all pissed off everytime I work on a project?

Am I going to go to bed sobbing every night because I can’t do what people want me to do for their project?  Is this going to ruin my relationship with my BF?

AARGH

so, to get back onto the subject of samaritans.org, they did respond to my response, and are asking some provocative questions that are very useful in untangling the webs in my brain.  One question that has been rattling around in my head since I read it is ” do you really need your mom’s support for this”

wow.  I feel like I don’t have her support, and always felt like I wanted it, but do I really need it?
I need to think about that one for a bit.  (do I need it to succeed?  do I reaaaally need it?)

 

I suggest, even if you aren’t suicidal (which I don’t think I really am, but could picture myself being in the future…) if you just need some anonymous outsider comments that could help you figure things out, give them a try, email is so much easier than calling (at least for me)

Heck, you could even email me (or leave a comment) and we could share our woes and support each other…

 

(did that seem like a pathetic attempt to find friendship?)

 

 

 

crrraaaash

 

 

I was just thinking about the comment I made earlier regarding driving through the intersection and feeling ok with the idea of someone plowing into my car a high speeds.

 

I just realized I have a strange fascination with thoughts of deadly car collisions, and have so for years.  

 

As a kid, I would lay in bed at night imagining being in a crashed car, being rescued by the jaws of life, some strong fireman, and flashing lights of emergency vehicles…

 

One  time specifically I must have been quite distraught, driving to or from the house of a man I was dating (might I expose the fact I was 21 and he was 39).  I remember imagining what it would be like to drive into the concrete barrier at top speed, or off the freeway where it drops, unfenced, down a steep ravine.

Every time I go on a trip, especially with the BF in the car, I get a slight panic attack at the idea of a car coming into our lane and wiping us out.  In fact, last night driving to the store I was struck by that same panic when a car put his blinker in the lane next to me.  

I remember being in 4 car accidents. Two as a child in our minivan, both not mom’s fault, and two later in life…

The first one was a hit and run; some guy decided to go straight in an inside turn lane, and us turning in the outside turn lane proved to be in the way. slam! my mom had a sore neck and shoulder for a while, and I got to talk to the policeman, though I was only 4 or 5 and somewhat unaware of what really happened.

The second one was a full on rear ending, the guy was going at least 40, and we were dead stopped, waiting for cars to pass in order to turn down our street.  The guy said “i didn’t see you” (hello? minivan?  not so mini)  my mom’s glasses ended up in the trunk, she had neck pain for a while again, and I got to talk to a policeman once again (must have been 7 or 8 by then)  My mom still avoids turning at that part of the road.

#3 was less than a month after I got my drivers license.  boy was I sad after that.  I made a left hand turn in front of oncoming traffic, and was t-boned. It was technically my fault, though I have some great excuses. #1: the roads were slick from rain  #2: the t-boner was going at least 35 in a 25 zone  #4: some pedestrian jumped into the driveway I was aiming for, so I had to stop my car in order not to run him over (then look to my right and say “shit!” and brace for impact)

and the most recent, the fourth was quite a while ago, let’s see… I was 22 and ex-fiance (another story) was driving us down the freeway Southbound to a concert (one of our first dates).  Traffic was a little heavy, but not bad, good flow.  Northbound there was suddenly at least 50 motorcycles, loud, weaving, one guy was doing a wheelie (on the freeway!!!), of course this caught the attention of the easily amused ex-fiance (another story) and he failed to look ahead of him.  I was looking ahead and, in slow motion, mouthing/reaching for the steering wheel/trying to yell “loookooooooout!” brrrraaaaaaaake”
and we rear-ended some poor soccer mom with her two tots in the back. She and the tots were ok, but ex-fiance’s expensive eddie baur edition jeep cherokee (another story) was not.

 

 

Nothing since (looking around for wood to knock on) but it freaks me out to be on the freeways still-

though i suppress that fear….

like everything else….

 

 

i just reached out

Okay,

Not having the best of days-

This week so far, I’ve had a really bad back, I feel fat, and I feel my job is not secure.

 

Oh and then add in some online billing problems, some upcoming doctors visits, hanging out with mom and dad, birthdays coming up (and already past), feeling sick, feeling fat (did I mention that), feeling stupid about complaining about stupid things, and well more back pain, and financial woes, career woes…

 

So once my mind gets reeling on these things, I cant let it go-

keeps going and going, and my thoughts become irrational, and I push people away, and feel worse,

and so I start thinking about death.
like:

Going through the intersection on the way to work

“hmm, it wouldn’t be such a bad thing if a car ran a red light and smashed into mine going 40 mph”

 

So I did some research, for people with suicidal thoughts, and depression, and came up with a website that has therapists/councelors you can email, instead of call, cause I am a big pussy when it comes to calling people, even my brother.

samaritans.org

So if you yourself need some safe, anonymous therapy, create yourself a random email account, and send these people an s.o.s.!

So I wrote an email, with a short blurb about me, and what I am feeling.
They say they get back to you within 24 hours…

22.5 to go….

 

 

 

just need to vent:

FUUUUUUUCK!

there is nothing worse than having a block.

 

i have a client, we agreed to a project, i’ve dont similar projects for him twice before successfully.

 

now, i can’t get past this one.

 

starting to feel incompetant.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

 

i hate this.  i feel like drinking a bottle of wine.
oh yeah, just did, minus one glass for politeness on my partner…

 

FUUUUUUUUCK!
off for another try. 

the debate last night on abc

Charlie Gibson and George Stefanopolis hosted the ABC network democratic debate.

They sucked. They were heckled. They acted like it was Entertainment Tonight.

It got to the point where I wouldn’t have been surprised if they showed Obama in a bathing suit and talked about his midsection, or showed Clinton at a Starbucks sipping a latte wearing designer clothing. It wasn’t far off.

 

The “issues” covered in this debate were less than important.

The candidates themselves had to interject with actual issues when they answered the unrelevant ones.

I could see both getting frustrated at the consistancy of bad subjects/questions.

until one of the good questions/topics came from a recorded question where the woman asked just how exactly they planned to pull troops out of Iraq.

 

In a whole, this debate was a bit boring. The candidates did what they could to stay focused, but they found themselves being attacked by the “silly season politics” which Americans are not dumb enough to buy. I was hoping for a debate along the lines of CNN’s earlier in the campaign.

Too bad.

It didnt appear to hurt either candidate at all, though it didn’t help them. (didn’t really get them anywhere, just around in circles)

All the debate did was show how dumbed down and trivial news stations have become.

Sad really (what’s sad is that some people will think this was the greatest debate since sliced bread)

 

So to the folks at ABC who concocted this silly debate about nothing important:

 

SHAME ON YOU!

 

 

 

 

if i were my own boss

hmm… (i can hear the theme music already)

I would have an early afternoon sun-break for 1-15 minutes.

I would market myself like there is no tomorrow.

I wouldn’t be bitter when family members don’t buy my product/services.

I would work with no shoes on.

I wouldn’t wear makeup to work.

I would be able to stop by the bank before they closed and not feel guilty/rushed.

I would have things organized in a sane matter.

I wouldn’t feel submissive (which has it’s place, but not in the work environment)

I would work at night sometimes more than during the day.

I would feel a sense of pride when accomplishing something.

 

I would be terrified of failure.

are you voting this fall?

Y’know, in the beginning of this campaign. Having the two main democratic heavyweight contenders be such history-making phenomenons, I was excited.  I liked Hillary Clinton, because, not knowing much about her except for the fact she was a strong woman, a senator, a wife of a playa, etc, she was an amazing acheivement to get this far- taking me back to the days when I was a child:

“and what would you like to be when you grow up?”

“I want to be president”

“ha ha ha. Silly girl, your brother could be President, but I am afraid you can’t.  You’re a girl”

“thats the only reason?”

“yes”

 

“whaaaaaaaaaaa!”

 

Not that I would be a great leader of this country, for I am much to scandalous and introverted. 

 

And I liked Barack Obama, because, well, what’s not to like about the guy, though I was cautious due to never having a trustworthy politician in my lifetime.  Ever listen to his speeches?  This is the stuff history is made of.  This is the good hearted president OF the people, for the people.  Blows me away.  (unless, of course it’s all a scam)

 

And no offense to my republican parents, or any other republicans out there, but ever since I could read and understand simple ideas of ethics and morals, the republican party was not for me.  Not to say that democrats are moral ethic beings, but they tend to at least take into consideration the lives of those not living in Bel Air Mansions and getting botoxed till their foreheads fall off.

 

So it was either Hillary, or Obama.  Funny how it’s  not Clinton and Obama, or Hillary and Barack…

 

And so I payed attention to the race, watched the debates, read news everyday, listened to commentary on the radio.  

And now, I don’t like the strong woman figure.  She annoys me , she lies, she seems desperate and she plays dirty.  In other words, she is a true politician.  Obama has the influence to move young voters out of their political coma.  He has the charm to woo thinking republicans out from their lairs.  He has the common sense to make the rest of Washington freak out because if he does become president, which it keeps looking more and more like he will, he is going to make all those super-rich, super-comfortable, super-funded, super-elitist folks have to change their lifestyles and stop doing the dishonest things that have plagued the upper ranks of government since before my Grandpappy made it through the depresssion and met my Grandmother and got married in Tijuana (I have the photo- they are sitting on a donkey/burro, wearing sombreros and looking ever so slightly touristy under the “we got married in tijuana” banner)

So what do those politicians do?

Dirty stuff. 

Dirty dirty childish stuff.

Oooo he’s muslim cause his name isn’t John or Bob or Fred, and he spent time as a child in a place where they’re not like “us”   (whatever the singular “us” may be)(white maybe?)

Oooo he’s gonna not answer the phone at 3 am because it takes decades of practice to make solid decision making on the issues that matter (like voting for the war)

 

So here’s Obama, deflecting left and right the attacks, negative ads, and weird made up shit. (and all the while, doing it with a down to earth, eloquent manner)

And there’s Hillary, “mis-speaking” about laid back trips to Bosnia, she’s going back and forth on issues she hated back then, but now loves, because it’s popular, and makes her look good.

Attacking others for not denouncing friends who say unpopular things (that were taken way out of context, and when listened to in whole, made me proud to live here) and then casually saying that you cant be held reliable when someone on your campaign says some racist things…

Here, she is throwing back shots in a great publicized presidential matter.  

I think that about sums it up.

 

That’s great.  I know who I will be voting for, unless he too is a fraud, which a part of me is still paranoid of due to scandals, lies, and so much corruption.  And if he is just a grand facade with ill intentions hiding beneath his friendly smile, well shit.  Maybe I should move to Canada.

 

guilt

I feel guilty for many things, mostly things I should not feel guilty for.

 

Guilt for breaking up with the past boyfriends.  Guilt for dating them in the first place (my mom can be blamed for some of that, though her concern was warranted due to the difference in age…)

Guilt for looking at internet porn.

Guilt for eating that piece of chocolate.

Guilt for spending all day on the internet instead of working.

Guilt for not doing a $500 value project for a client who only pays $100

Guilt for feeling ugly and awkward.

Guilt for wanting to change things about myself.

Guilt for forgetting my cloth grocery bags, and having to use plastic/paper.

Guilt for buying plastic trash bags and using cloth grocery bags (dilemma).

Guilt for craving meat (did I mention I am veg?)

 

and that brings me to the guilt I already feel for leaving work early

(i’m sick- **cough cough**)