random campus library

This one was perhaps induced by the medication I have been taking (Lexipro anyone?)

My boyfriend and I walked from the parking lot at my old community college (150 miles from where we live) into the main campus area. He went off to his class, and I decided, not being fond of math class, to skip my class, and hang out in the library until he was ready to go home.
It was pretty crowded and I stood watching students bustle here and there, off to their classes, huddled in social groups.
Then one person pointed up to the sky and yelled “that plane is too low!”
Everyone looked up to see a big passenger plane slowly jetting across the sky towards the main library building.
(might I add here that the plane looked really small for being so low, and the library building was about 5 times larger than life, making it look like it was at least 10 stories tall)
The plane was headed directly for the building. At the last second, it pulled up as far as it could, and just cleared a ledge, but then crashed into a raised portion of the roof.

Everyone was screaming and gasping, I put my hand up to my mouth and watched. Then I tried to call 911 on my cell phone, which for some reason was difficult. I ended up connecting to some guy named Richard (who tried to hit on me), and tried to hang up on him, which took a few tries. I never did get through, but by then, sirens were wailing and firemen came.
It was dark and everyone was still in the main area watching and crying as they pulled dead bodies out. They did pull a child out, who was living, and someone in the crowd just hugged her.

I hugged a couple of people. One woman had a teal terrycloth tracksuit on and was middle age. After I hugged her I said I can’t believe that just happened. She said “thank you” as if I had just made that comment about our hug. I started to correct her to say I had meant that about the plane crash, but she walked away.

Strange huh. I think I need help.

Oh that’s right. I am getting help.

What does this all mean?

Advertisements

Just a quick one today-

I haven’t been writing, cause I have been dealing.

Not drugs-

But just dealing with life.

Yeah I am depressed, my boyfriend is being supportive, and I still hate myself.
Good news though-
I’m seeing both a psychiatrist AND a psychologist today.

My psychologist suggested I see a psychiatrist and start some medication (which I feel weird about, and weak, and stupid and lame, but I’ll give it a go).

Yes it is complicated, and calling insurance, setting up appointments and whatnot is enough to take someone who is depressed over the edge, but somehow I made it through.

Now, I just have to make it through two “professional” appointments.

And I still feel lame.

In the meanwhile, I found this somewhere on the web, and I love it. I want to do it. Anyone getting rid of a spare pressure washer?

diagnosis:

June 6, 2008

she said she didnt like to give diagnosis’s but she had to for my insurance reasons.

what was it you ask?

 

Major Depressive Disorder

 

its weird. I knew I was depressed, but hearing the diagnosis from a professional is different.

 

Not sure how I feel about that.

Sad. 

I feel sad.

 

he believes in me…

June 6, 2008

I finally met with a psycologist.

 

THANK YOU!

whew.  I did a ton of crying, and we didnt get too far, it being a initial meeting to see where I stand, and what the standard procedures are.

It sure went fast too.  Crap. Just like those massages, you blink and its over with.

But one thing that stood out, when talking about my family, friends, relationships, and where I am at the moment, was the fact that my boyfriend believes in me.  She said it, when I was trying to describe why he was trying to motivate me and encourage me, she said “he believes in you”

ding!

holy shit.

He does, doesnt he?

 

wow.

I am thankful for him.

 

I also look forward to the next appointment- friday late afternoon.

 

a dream

June 4, 2008

help!

 

 

The night before last, one part of the dream I remember is my boyfriend pushing me out of bed.

I got back in and he pushed me out again, and I ended up, wrapped in blankets, on the floor.

 

 

What does this mean?

Does this mean I feel like he is pushing me over the edge?
Am I letting him take the blame for me falling off the edge?
I woke up angry yesterday because of this, and ended up crying almost all day.

 

And no, the psychologist never did call back.  
I tried another one, and left another message.

Still no answer.

 

Why is it so hard to reach out for help? 

help

June 3, 2008

i made the call.

I set it up with my insurance.

 

I left…. a message for a potential therapist.

 

Crap.  It seems like everytime I give an effort to give a shit about myself,
I don’t get anywhere.   I get the answering machine and then I have to wait.

Its been over 2 hours since I left a call, and since then, my boyfriend has told me that I need to put more effort into making more money so I can contribute more otherwise our relationship will not work out.

God I need a therapist. Please have her call back soon before I do something regrettable.

 

is this normal?

June 2, 2008

Let me ask you a question.

During the day, when stress hits you upside the head, and thoughts start going in circles and life seems bleak, do you imagine yourself doing violent things?

Do you picture yourself stabbing the computer screen with your fork or repeatedly smashing your head on a wall hook until it pops open like a coconut filled with strawberry jam?

 

When I was a kid, and forced to sit in school, where I was bored and unhappy, I realized something: no matter what people force you to do, where you are forced to be during the day, what you have to get done, you always have the privacy of your own thoughts, and can nod and sweetly smile while thinking “fuck you”

Was I a morbid kid?  Maybe just not understood.

It used to be focused against teachers and parents and authoritative types. Imagining myself yelling at them, flipping them off, shoving them out of the way as I leave the room, dancing the can-can on the desks and kicking them, mostly just talking back and screaming.  I did a lot of mental screaming as a kid.

It carries over to today still, imagining hurling myself over balconies at museums, imagining the car accelerating into a telephone pole or off the edge of the road, imagining stabbing myself with scissors, or knives, imagining myself screaming.  Occasionally I’ll have to take a shower where I’ll open my mouth and silently scream as the water runs and I sob for a while.

 

Where is this sadness coming from?

My doctor says that everyone occasionally thinks the world would be better without them. 

So is this normal.

Am I ok?

 

It feels like I should have a specific reason- like being raped/molested as a kid, or seeing a parent die as a kid.

But as far as my memory serves me, I have not been through any such event.

(and it makes me more sad that I am sad for no reason)