one of those days

May 5, 2008

I started my day really not wanting to get up.

But I did.

And now I am crying and doubting I will ever be able to make it working on my own.
I don’t think I will ever be able to not work for someone else, or be happy at a job.

Hell, I’m not even happy working on my own, with my own clients.

There is a sinking sensation in my center, right where my yoga instructor had me concentrate.  Right where I felt confident and peaceful for a moment.  

Now it is sinking, and I just don’t want to be here.

 

Sometimes I just want to die. 

 

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April 24, 2008

So I heard back yesterday from “jo” at samaritans.org and it got me thinking (forgive me if I go WAY off on tangents…)

Definately was good to write all the stuff that was bothering me in an email and send it off to some stranger who is halfway across the world.  It was a bit releasing, like writing in this blog, but even more so.

The weird part was the response/questions I received back.  They seems a bit robotic at first.  Like the stereotypical  psychologist response: “and how does that make you feel”

Not having gone to therapy sessions, I guess I was just not used to this turn around and come back on me.  What did I expect?  I guess part of me expected the person to say that everything was going to be okay, that the best thing for me is to stick with what I am doing, go to my yoga classes, be thankful for what I have, yadda yadda yadda…

But I guess not.  So I wrote back, trying to answer the questions they came back with, and trying to be honest with myself.  One issue that came up:

My mother
(cue dramatic music here)

In writing to “Jo” I realized that I don’t have the support of my mom.  She loves me, yes. She wants me to succeed, but I think because she never took chances in life, (and I have, unsuccessfully at times) she doesn’t think that doing things outside the box will turn out ok.  Like my freelance work- HUGE for me to be out there like this- super insecure about myself and my work, and well, my last 2 clients hate me!  One won’t even return my emails.  This is not a good boost to my confidence, and makes that little mom voice in my head say, “you should settle down as a secretary at a large secure company and start a long career”

um… no. Even if the idea of being a secretary didn’t make me want to find sharp objects and hurl them in the air over my head, things don’t work like that, like the way they did in the 50’s, where you find a job, work hard, maybe become manager, work at that same company with yearly raises, bonuses until your 65, then retire with a fat pension and take the motorhome around the country for a few years until you end up on your recliner complaining about the nonsense Judge Wapner has to put up with.

Things just don’t work like that, and well, even if they did, I don’t think I would make it at a job like that til 65.  I would snap, and someone would get hurt.

So exposing myself and risking loosing my pride/sanity/hopes/whatlittleconfidanceididhave for doing some freelance work was so risky for me, and terrified me, and I haven’t gone forward with my self promotion stuff/business cards yet because these last two clients (who where undecided in what they wanted and big pains in the arse) are freaking me out.

 What if I can’t do this?

Am I going to burst out crying in frustration and be all pissed off everytime I work on a project?

Am I going to go to bed sobbing every night because I can’t do what people want me to do for their project?  Is this going to ruin my relationship with my BF?

AARGH

so, to get back onto the subject of samaritans.org, they did respond to my response, and are asking some provocative questions that are very useful in untangling the webs in my brain.  One question that has been rattling around in my head since I read it is ” do you really need your mom’s support for this”

wow.  I feel like I don’t have her support, and always felt like I wanted it, but do I really need it?
I need to think about that one for a bit.  (do I need it to succeed?  do I reaaaally need it?)

 

I suggest, even if you aren’t suicidal (which I don’t think I really am, but could picture myself being in the future…) if you just need some anonymous outsider comments that could help you figure things out, give them a try, email is so much easier than calling (at least for me)

Heck, you could even email me (or leave a comment) and we could share our woes and support each other…

 

(did that seem like a pathetic attempt to find friendship?)

 

 

 

i just reached out

April 23, 2008

Okay,

Not having the best of days-

This week so far, I’ve had a really bad back, I feel fat, and I feel my job is not secure.

 

Oh and then add in some online billing problems, some upcoming doctors visits, hanging out with mom and dad, birthdays coming up (and already past), feeling sick, feeling fat (did I mention that), feeling stupid about complaining about stupid things, and well more back pain, and financial woes, career woes…

 

So once my mind gets reeling on these things, I cant let it go-

keeps going and going, and my thoughts become irrational, and I push people away, and feel worse,

and so I start thinking about death.
like:

Going through the intersection on the way to work

“hmm, it wouldn’t be such a bad thing if a car ran a red light and smashed into mine going 40 mph”

 

So I did some research, for people with suicidal thoughts, and depression, and came up with a website that has therapists/councelors you can email, instead of call, cause I am a big pussy when it comes to calling people, even my brother.

samaritans.org

So if you yourself need some safe, anonymous therapy, create yourself a random email account, and send these people an s.o.s.!

So I wrote an email, with a short blurb about me, and what I am feeling.
They say they get back to you within 24 hours…

22.5 to go….