my last day

July 11, 2008

 

yup.

It’s friday, my last day here at this job.  While last week I was distraught and crying for 2 days in a row, something clicked and I realized this needed to happen a long time ago (but preferably on my terms).

I got too comfortable here.  There wasn’t much to do, except process a couple of orders a day (which took maybe 20 minutes total)  and post scammy housing ads on craigslist.  Definately not gonna miss that.  

This job was so draining.  I would spend hours a day online reading blogs, writing blog posts, reading the news, trying to get the hours to pass, and feeling guilty for not really working.  All that boredom and guilt has really dragged me down.  

I won’t miss hearing my boss scream bloody murder at her kids (pregnant women are so cranky).  I won’t miss hearing her complain about her non-participant-in-parenting husband.  I won’t miss her husband either.  

I will miss her kids though.  I had never been around kids for a long period of time (almost 2 years) watching them grow and change.  When I started, the youngest wasn’t even crawling.  Now she is running down the driveway (with mother screaming bloody murder) and telling me to get to work in the office.  I think her mother is teaching her well.

This beautiful companion of a plant.  I will miss the plant.  It was dying outside in the baking sun, wilted brown and yellow, sad and pathetic when I started, and I brought it inside for less light (there is a big skylight) and watered it, and talked to it.  Now it is green and lucious.  I feel we really connected.  And in 7.5 hours, I will leave it to it’s impending doom.  

I have not found another job yet.  Not one single reply to my emails and attached resumes.  Did I accidentally list my skill of “wasting between 5-7 hours a day lazily reading blogs and surfing the net”?   Shoot.  I’ll have to correct that.

But I’ll be okay. In fact, I am taking a 5 day trip back east to visit a friend.  It will be nice to get out of town for a few days, celebrate my freedom, have some girl talk, and hang out with her 2 year old.  I will be refreshed and energized when I come back, ready to pound the pavement (that phrase reminds me of my mom) and beg people to pay me large sums of money (with full benefits) for drawing pictures all day.

7.48 hours to go.

I won’t miss this clock.

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I just got laid off

July 2, 2008

fucking brick wall

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday. She was very sorry, you see, because they are going to loose their second house, they have to sell one of their cars, and fire the cleaning lady, and get rid of me, their sole employee.

Did I mention she is having baby #3 next month?
Yeah.

And she kept saying

“i’m so sorry, so sorry”
and standing there with a sad look on her face while I TRY TO MAKE HER feel better about it

“its okay, I understand you have to,” I say, trying not to cry.

“I’m so sorry” “I’m really sorry”
as my nose turns red, and my eyes water up.

“it’s ok, really, I’ll be fine”

“oh no. now I made you cry. I’m so sorry”

“stop saying that!”

AAArgh.
Her kids were crying so she left to go soothe them, and I burst into tears as I packed up the day’s orders and made shipping labels.

So…
I left early and went straight home to cry on the couch, and then took 4 ativans, which made me feel like a freightliner filled with bricks (and gave me a headache this morning) and watched tv until bedtime, where I swiftly fell asleep.

This morning, slightly hungover, I feel… a bit numb.

All this work I have been doing for the last couple of weeks, new thoughts of possitive thinking, new medication (he added wellbutrin to get rid of some pesky sexual side effects) and new outlook… I was doing better. I was able to sleep at night and wake up and get things done at work, and generally (not all the time) be alright.

Now I hit this wall.
I have two weeks.
I don’t know if I can handle the job search.
I don’t know if I want to work for someone
I just want to get in my car and drive and drive and drive.
I never want to work again.

I just want to go back to bed, but alas…. I am here at work… for now.

guilt

April 11, 2008

I feel guilty for many things, mostly things I should not feel guilty for.

 

Guilt for breaking up with the past boyfriends.  Guilt for dating them in the first place (my mom can be blamed for some of that, though her concern was warranted due to the difference in age…)

Guilt for looking at internet porn.

Guilt for eating that piece of chocolate.

Guilt for spending all day on the internet instead of working.

Guilt for not doing a $500 value project for a client who only pays $100

Guilt for feeling ugly and awkward.

Guilt for wanting to change things about myself.

Guilt for forgetting my cloth grocery bags, and having to use plastic/paper.

Guilt for buying plastic trash bags and using cloth grocery bags (dilemma).

Guilt for craving meat (did I mention I am veg?)

 

and that brings me to the guilt I already feel for leaving work early

(i’m sick- **cough cough**)