Two weeks.

I’ve had two weeks off since my last day, and it’s getting old.  The first week though, i went on a trip.

The second week, which is lingering here tonight, I threw out my back.  I’m thinking slipped disk here.
Sharp stabbing pain when I walk, when I sit, when I sneeze, when I turn over at night.

Not fun.

And, NOT ONE REPLY FROM ANY JOB APPLICATIONS!

 

what the fuck?

 

I also cancelled my appointment with my psych last monday.  He had started me on Wellbutrin TWICE a day, which made me all jittery, jerky, nauseous, and man, that buzzing in the ears- shit. It was bad.

So I gave myself an unproffesional opinion and cut down to my original once daily regimen.

 

I do feel better.  And I dont really want to go back.  He was a dick, and said that therapy was basically a bunch of crap.  Drugs are the only way!  If everyone just took drugs then our society would be a happier one.  Um… are you serious?

And my therapist- I saw her thursday, sitting/writhing in pain on the couch, while we basically shot the shit.  It was pointless and felt like highway robbery when I handed over my co-pay.

We scheduled an appointment for monday.  I cancelled Friday.

 

Yeah.  Not sure what to think about that.  Not sure what to think about many things.  Like career-wise.  I think I need to take a few classes to get myself up to par.  No one is answering my emails!  Not even the lame-ass postings for receptionist.  (i’m getting a bit desperate here)

I am ok for rent for August, but am screwed if I dont get paid by September.  Something has to happen!

Oh Strange Universe, I have a feeling something is out there, I just hope it shows up soon.

my last day

July 11, 2008

 

yup.

It’s friday, my last day here at this job.  While last week I was distraught and crying for 2 days in a row, something clicked and I realized this needed to happen a long time ago (but preferably on my terms).

I got too comfortable here.  There wasn’t much to do, except process a couple of orders a day (which took maybe 20 minutes total)  and post scammy housing ads on craigslist.  Definately not gonna miss that.  

This job was so draining.  I would spend hours a day online reading blogs, writing blog posts, reading the news, trying to get the hours to pass, and feeling guilty for not really working.  All that boredom and guilt has really dragged me down.  

I won’t miss hearing my boss scream bloody murder at her kids (pregnant women are so cranky).  I won’t miss hearing her complain about her non-participant-in-parenting husband.  I won’t miss her husband either.  

I will miss her kids though.  I had never been around kids for a long period of time (almost 2 years) watching them grow and change.  When I started, the youngest wasn’t even crawling.  Now she is running down the driveway (with mother screaming bloody murder) and telling me to get to work in the office.  I think her mother is teaching her well.

This beautiful companion of a plant.  I will miss the plant.  It was dying outside in the baking sun, wilted brown and yellow, sad and pathetic when I started, and I brought it inside for less light (there is a big skylight) and watered it, and talked to it.  Now it is green and lucious.  I feel we really connected.  And in 7.5 hours, I will leave it to it’s impending doom.  

I have not found another job yet.  Not one single reply to my emails and attached resumes.  Did I accidentally list my skill of “wasting between 5-7 hours a day lazily reading blogs and surfing the net”?   Shoot.  I’ll have to correct that.

But I’ll be okay. In fact, I am taking a 5 day trip back east to visit a friend.  It will be nice to get out of town for a few days, celebrate my freedom, have some girl talk, and hang out with her 2 year old.  I will be refreshed and energized when I come back, ready to pound the pavement (that phrase reminds me of my mom) and beg people to pay me large sums of money (with full benefits) for drawing pictures all day.

7.48 hours to go.

I won’t miss this clock.

I just got laid off

July 2, 2008

fucking brick wall

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday. She was very sorry, you see, because they are going to loose their second house, they have to sell one of their cars, and fire the cleaning lady, and get rid of me, their sole employee.

Did I mention she is having baby #3 next month?
Yeah.

And she kept saying

“i’m so sorry, so sorry”
and standing there with a sad look on her face while I TRY TO MAKE HER feel better about it

“its okay, I understand you have to,” I say, trying not to cry.

“I’m so sorry” “I’m really sorry”
as my nose turns red, and my eyes water up.

“it’s ok, really, I’ll be fine”

“oh no. now I made you cry. I’m so sorry”

“stop saying that!”

AAArgh.
Her kids were crying so she left to go soothe them, and I burst into tears as I packed up the day’s orders and made shipping labels.

So…
I left early and went straight home to cry on the couch, and then took 4 ativans, which made me feel like a freightliner filled with bricks (and gave me a headache this morning) and watched tv until bedtime, where I swiftly fell asleep.

This morning, slightly hungover, I feel… a bit numb.

All this work I have been doing for the last couple of weeks, new thoughts of possitive thinking, new medication (he added wellbutrin to get rid of some pesky sexual side effects) and new outlook… I was doing better. I was able to sleep at night and wake up and get things done at work, and generally (not all the time) be alright.

Now I hit this wall.
I have two weeks.
I don’t know if I can handle the job search.
I don’t know if I want to work for someone
I just want to get in my car and drive and drive and drive.
I never want to work again.

I just want to go back to bed, but alas…. I am here at work… for now.

not good

May 21, 2008

Yeah. Last night was not good.

It started at work, on an errand, I had some trouble finding the parking lot for the store I went to (it was unmarked and shady looking) and then I couldnt find what I needed, and was on the wrong floor, and then when they said to pull my car around to the loading dock, the dock wasnt open, so I kept driving back and forth, and then all of a sudden, it was open and they stood their and looked at me like I was an idiot for taking so long.

That was ok.  I could have handled that.  No problem.

Then on the freeway coming back to work, I transitioned to the next freeway going North, but I really needed to go South.  Fuck.  This set me off, and I was instantly in tears, banging on my steering wheel.  I then proceeded to scream loudly (just so you know, I am not a screamer, I am very introverted and quiet and usually hold things in).  I screamed twice, and then turned around and went back to work.

Later, at home, I watched some election coverage and the speaches and ate dinner.  We decided to work on a promotional project of mine, which has taken quite a bit of time thus far, and we tried to figure out the text and what it would say.  This has been in my mind for days now, and nothing seems like it will work.  I finally got frustrated and gave up and started a bath for myself.  The BF came in and mentioned I easily get frustrated with things.  I mumbled “yeah” and he asked if I should be going for this freelance stuff and I mumbled “maybe not”

Then I proceeded to cry and sob in the bathtub for an hour, went to bed, cried some  more and fell asleep.

My eyes are tearing up right now thinking about it (and yes, they are very puffy from last night’s crying)

 

Here it is:

Am I doomed to work jobs I hate all my life?
Will I never be able to work on my own projects on my own time and enjoy them?
Can I not handle freelance jobs?
Can I not do what I want to do?

 

Should I just give up and go on disability and start an alcohol problem and eventually get to the point where I am suicidal?

I feel lost.

 

 

 

one of those days

May 5, 2008

I started my day really not wanting to get up.

But I did.

And now I am crying and doubting I will ever be able to make it working on my own.
I don’t think I will ever be able to not work for someone else, or be happy at a job.

Hell, I’m not even happy working on my own, with my own clients.

There is a sinking sensation in my center, right where my yoga instructor had me concentrate.  Right where I felt confident and peaceful for a moment.  

Now it is sinking, and I just don’t want to be here.

 

Sometimes I just want to die. 

 

if i were my own boss

April 15, 2008

hmm… (i can hear the theme music already)

I would have an early afternoon sun-break for 1-15 minutes.

I would market myself like there is no tomorrow.

I wouldn’t be bitter when family members don’t buy my product/services.

I would work with no shoes on.

I wouldn’t wear makeup to work.

I would be able to stop by the bank before they closed and not feel guilty/rushed.

I would have things organized in a sane matter.

I wouldn’t feel submissive (which has it’s place, but not in the work environment)

I would work at night sometimes more than during the day.

I would feel a sense of pride when accomplishing something.

 

I would be terrified of failure.

the last two hours

April 8, 2008

The last two hours of the work day.

Trying to ignore a stack of papers.

no more snacks left,

googling health problems.

Waiting…

Waiting…

 

my day job

April 8, 2008

Let us start out with my full time job, shall we?

It came about randomly, through an online job search, at a time I was desperate and applying at temp agencies, thinking about waitressing, prostitution, selling a kidney, etc…

 

Not a bad job, pays pretty well, kind of creative (or used to be)

and well, I’m the only one here!

 

Normally, being the unsocial privacy whore I am, I would see this as a great time to have full concentration, freedom from onlookers, the ability to scratch myself in unseen places with ease, and generally an all around zen resort environment to work in.

 

And perhaps having free time to check emails, read the news, and catch up with the latest on my favorite blogs isn’t so bad… perhaps zoning out for 20 minutes at a time, searching for my dream loft apartment that costs more per month than I make a year, and searching for reference photos for my other clients while on the clock for this job isn’t bad at all. 

And it’s not.

It’s kind of nice.  Comfortable even.

 

Maybe a little too comfortable.

If I were my boss, I would fire me.

 

Which is why I am trying to work for myself, a whole other sack of potatoes.

more on this subject another day.