random campus library

This one was perhaps induced by the medication I have been taking (Lexipro anyone?)

My boyfriend and I walked from the parking lot at my old community college (150 miles from where we live) into the main campus area. He went off to his class, and I decided, not being fond of math class, to skip my class, and hang out in the library until he was ready to go home.
It was pretty crowded and I stood watching students bustle here and there, off to their classes, huddled in social groups.
Then one person pointed up to the sky and yelled “that plane is too low!”
Everyone looked up to see a big passenger plane slowly jetting across the sky towards the main library building.
(might I add here that the plane looked really small for being so low, and the library building was about 5 times larger than life, making it look like it was at least 10 stories tall)
The plane was headed directly for the building. At the last second, it pulled up as far as it could, and just cleared a ledge, but then crashed into a raised portion of the roof.

Everyone was screaming and gasping, I put my hand up to my mouth and watched. Then I tried to call 911 on my cell phone, which for some reason was difficult. I ended up connecting to some guy named Richard (who tried to hit on me), and tried to hang up on him, which took a few tries. I never did get through, but by then, sirens were wailing and firemen came.
It was dark and everyone was still in the main area watching and crying as they pulled dead bodies out. They did pull a child out, who was living, and someone in the crowd just hugged her.

I hugged a couple of people. One woman had a teal terrycloth tracksuit on and was middle age. After I hugged her I said I can’t believe that just happened. She said “thank you” as if I had just made that comment about our hug. I started to correct her to say I had meant that about the plane crash, but she walked away.

Strange huh. I think I need help.

Oh that’s right. I am getting help.

What does this all mean?



April 23, 2008



I was just thinking about the comment I made earlier regarding driving through the intersection and feeling ok with the idea of someone plowing into my car a high speeds.


I just realized I have a strange fascination with thoughts of deadly car collisions, and have so for years.  


As a kid, I would lay in bed at night imagining being in a crashed car, being rescued by the jaws of life, some strong fireman, and flashing lights of emergency vehicles…


One  time specifically I must have been quite distraught, driving to or from the house of a man I was dating (might I expose the fact I was 21 and he was 39).  I remember imagining what it would be like to drive into the concrete barrier at top speed, or off the freeway where it drops, unfenced, down a steep ravine.

Every time I go on a trip, especially with the BF in the car, I get a slight panic attack at the idea of a car coming into our lane and wiping us out.  In fact, last night driving to the store I was struck by that same panic when a car put his blinker in the lane next to me.  

I remember being in 4 car accidents. Two as a child in our minivan, both not mom’s fault, and two later in life…

The first one was a hit and run; some guy decided to go straight in an inside turn lane, and us turning in the outside turn lane proved to be in the way. slam! my mom had a sore neck and shoulder for a while, and I got to talk to the policeman, though I was only 4 or 5 and somewhat unaware of what really happened.

The second one was a full on rear ending, the guy was going at least 40, and we were dead stopped, waiting for cars to pass in order to turn down our street.  The guy said “i didn’t see you” (hello? minivan?  not so mini)  my mom’s glasses ended up in the trunk, she had neck pain for a while again, and I got to talk to a policeman once again (must have been 7 or 8 by then)  My mom still avoids turning at that part of the road.

#3 was less than a month after I got my drivers license.  boy was I sad after that.  I made a left hand turn in front of oncoming traffic, and was t-boned. It was technically my fault, though I have some great excuses. #1: the roads were slick from rain  #2: the t-boner was going at least 35 in a 25 zone  #4: some pedestrian jumped into the driveway I was aiming for, so I had to stop my car in order not to run him over (then look to my right and say “shit!” and brace for impact)

and the most recent, the fourth was quite a while ago, let’s see… I was 22 and ex-fiance (another story) was driving us down the freeway Southbound to a concert (one of our first dates).  Traffic was a little heavy, but not bad, good flow.  Northbound there was suddenly at least 50 motorcycles, loud, weaving, one guy was doing a wheelie (on the freeway!!!), of course this caught the attention of the easily amused ex-fiance (another story) and he failed to look ahead of him.  I was looking ahead and, in slow motion, mouthing/reaching for the steering wheel/trying to yell “loookooooooout!” brrrraaaaaaaake”
and we rear-ended some poor soccer mom with her two tots in the back. She and the tots were ok, but ex-fiance’s expensive eddie baur edition jeep cherokee (another story) was not.



Nothing since (looking around for wood to knock on) but it freaks me out to be on the freeways still-

though i suppress that fear….

like everything else….