Just a quick one today-

I haven’t been writing, cause I have been dealing.

Not drugs-

But just dealing with life.

Yeah I am depressed, my boyfriend is being supportive, and I still hate myself.
Good news though-
I’m seeing both a psychiatrist AND a psychologist today.

My psychologist suggested I see a psychiatrist and start some medication (which I feel weird about, and weak, and stupid and lame, but I’ll give it a go).

Yes it is complicated, and calling insurance, setting up appointments and whatnot is enough to take someone who is depressed over the edge, but somehow I made it through.

Now, I just have to make it through two “professional” appointments.

And I still feel lame.

In the meanwhile, I found this somewhere on the web, and I love it. I want to do it. Anyone getting rid of a spare pressure washer?

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hug o’ war

May 13, 2008

?? what the ??

May 2, 2008

Are you serious?

Granted this is probably just a bit out of context, and when was this recorded?

Does that even matter?  Who (under the age of 70) says stuff like that anymore?

 

Who the hell high fives anymore?

 

 

 

UPDATE: according to an article in politico, this footage may have been altered.  If this is true, who the hell would want to alter this?

Possiblilites:  

1) Obama and his campaign (highly unlikely, he is smarter than that)

2) Hillary and her campaign, just to be able to say it was doctored, then provide proof that someone on Obama’s campaign “must have” doctored the video, and Obama “must be” playing the race card.

3) Someone completely acting on their own, like thousands of other morons on youtube, trying to be on Digg and get their 15 minutes of fame.

4) or it is real.  Let me watch that again…. hmm not sure, seems weird now.  

 

 

the skinny

May 1, 2008

I’ve always been self concious about my body- since high school.

Before that, I was always stick thin and riding my bike for hours a day in the summers, playing softball with my dad and kickball with the dog.  Then puberty made me metabolize a bit differently and I filled out a bit.  Now I’ve always been lean and thin (family traits) and for the last 10-15 years I’ve had a BMI around 19-22. (more 22 now).

I realize some people would kill for this BMI and it doesnt come easy to most, but I find it hard to appreciate my body and love it for it’s shape and tall slenderness.  I still feel fat. I hate the cellulite dimples on my butt and thighs, I hate how my belly sides squish over the top of my freshly washed jeans.  I feel fat.

Why?

In college I took a sociology of women class, and most of the class we focused on the media and how it shapes our self images of us as we grow up.  Unconsciously. 

It has become more apparent to me as I have grown older.  But I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’m supposed to look like these girls, who undoubtedly look sickly thin and malnourished. 

 

It’s quite sad really.

 

 

 

damn spam

April 29, 2008

So far my wordpress spam filter has caught 37 spam comments.  Out of these 37 comments, there are only 3-4  different authors.

One of these same comments is being sent at least 30 times.  Everytime I post, there it is, several times over.

What the hell?

While I despise spam, I do understand that sending out 500 comments in a day with links on it can give you surprisingly good results.

Heck, try doing it on craiglist, and if you dodge the flaggers, you may get a few click throughs, which I suppose is the point.

Just seems excessive to send 5 or 6 of the same comment for each post.

Now I must admit, I admire the creative spammer.  This one I received yesterday, and felt compelled to approve it for all to see.  It made me feel good.  Sure he has links to a weird site that confuses me, and probably has links to porn if you investigate deeper than I, but the fact of the matter, is he or she put some effort into it and said something intelligent and thoughtful:

happiness today to my friend.

Trust, faith, love and smile

Lead you to happiness.

Not bad, spammer.  For that, I let you sit on the bottom of my previous post with your link waiting to be clicked by some unsuspecting passerby.

High five.

 

need?

April 24, 2008

So I heard back yesterday from “jo” at samaritans.org and it got me thinking (forgive me if I go WAY off on tangents…)

Definately was good to write all the stuff that was bothering me in an email and send it off to some stranger who is halfway across the world.  It was a bit releasing, like writing in this blog, but even more so.

The weird part was the response/questions I received back.  They seems a bit robotic at first.  Like the stereotypical  psychologist response: “and how does that make you feel”

Not having gone to therapy sessions, I guess I was just not used to this turn around and come back on me.  What did I expect?  I guess part of me expected the person to say that everything was going to be okay, that the best thing for me is to stick with what I am doing, go to my yoga classes, be thankful for what I have, yadda yadda yadda…

But I guess not.  So I wrote back, trying to answer the questions they came back with, and trying to be honest with myself.  One issue that came up:

My mother
(cue dramatic music here)

In writing to “Jo” I realized that I don’t have the support of my mom.  She loves me, yes. She wants me to succeed, but I think because she never took chances in life, (and I have, unsuccessfully at times) she doesn’t think that doing things outside the box will turn out ok.  Like my freelance work- HUGE for me to be out there like this- super insecure about myself and my work, and well, my last 2 clients hate me!  One won’t even return my emails.  This is not a good boost to my confidence, and makes that little mom voice in my head say, “you should settle down as a secretary at a large secure company and start a long career”

um… no. Even if the idea of being a secretary didn’t make me want to find sharp objects and hurl them in the air over my head, things don’t work like that, like the way they did in the 50’s, where you find a job, work hard, maybe become manager, work at that same company with yearly raises, bonuses until your 65, then retire with a fat pension and take the motorhome around the country for a few years until you end up on your recliner complaining about the nonsense Judge Wapner has to put up with.

Things just don’t work like that, and well, even if they did, I don’t think I would make it at a job like that til 65.  I would snap, and someone would get hurt.

So exposing myself and risking loosing my pride/sanity/hopes/whatlittleconfidanceididhave for doing some freelance work was so risky for me, and terrified me, and I haven’t gone forward with my self promotion stuff/business cards yet because these last two clients (who where undecided in what they wanted and big pains in the arse) are freaking me out.

 What if I can’t do this?

Am I going to burst out crying in frustration and be all pissed off everytime I work on a project?

Am I going to go to bed sobbing every night because I can’t do what people want me to do for their project?  Is this going to ruin my relationship with my BF?

AARGH

so, to get back onto the subject of samaritans.org, they did respond to my response, and are asking some provocative questions that are very useful in untangling the webs in my brain.  One question that has been rattling around in my head since I read it is ” do you really need your mom’s support for this”

wow.  I feel like I don’t have her support, and always felt like I wanted it, but do I really need it?
I need to think about that one for a bit.  (do I need it to succeed?  do I reaaaally need it?)

 

I suggest, even if you aren’t suicidal (which I don’t think I really am, but could picture myself being in the future…) if you just need some anonymous outsider comments that could help you figure things out, give them a try, email is so much easier than calling (at least for me)

Heck, you could even email me (or leave a comment) and we could share our woes and support each other…

 

(did that seem like a pathetic attempt to find friendship?)

 

 

 

i just reached out

April 23, 2008

Okay,

Not having the best of days-

This week so far, I’ve had a really bad back, I feel fat, and I feel my job is not secure.

 

Oh and then add in some online billing problems, some upcoming doctors visits, hanging out with mom and dad, birthdays coming up (and already past), feeling sick, feeling fat (did I mention that), feeling stupid about complaining about stupid things, and well more back pain, and financial woes, career woes…

 

So once my mind gets reeling on these things, I cant let it go-

keeps going and going, and my thoughts become irrational, and I push people away, and feel worse,

and so I start thinking about death.
like:

Going through the intersection on the way to work

“hmm, it wouldn’t be such a bad thing if a car ran a red light and smashed into mine going 40 mph”

 

So I did some research, for people with suicidal thoughts, and depression, and came up with a website that has therapists/councelors you can email, instead of call, cause I am a big pussy when it comes to calling people, even my brother.

samaritans.org

So if you yourself need some safe, anonymous therapy, create yourself a random email account, and send these people an s.o.s.!

So I wrote an email, with a short blurb about me, and what I am feeling.
They say they get back to you within 24 hours…

22.5 to go….

 

 

 

Charlie Gibson and George Stefanopolis hosted the ABC network democratic debate.

They sucked. They were heckled. They acted like it was Entertainment Tonight.

It got to the point where I wouldn’t have been surprised if they showed Obama in a bathing suit and talked about his midsection, or showed Clinton at a Starbucks sipping a latte wearing designer clothing. It wasn’t far off.

 

The “issues” covered in this debate were less than important.

The candidates themselves had to interject with actual issues when they answered the unrelevant ones.

I could see both getting frustrated at the consistancy of bad subjects/questions.

until one of the good questions/topics came from a recorded question where the woman asked just how exactly they planned to pull troops out of Iraq.

 

In a whole, this debate was a bit boring. The candidates did what they could to stay focused, but they found themselves being attacked by the “silly season politics” which Americans are not dumb enough to buy. I was hoping for a debate along the lines of CNN’s earlier in the campaign.

Too bad.

It didnt appear to hurt either candidate at all, though it didn’t help them. (didn’t really get them anywhere, just around in circles)

All the debate did was show how dumbed down and trivial news stations have become.

Sad really (what’s sad is that some people will think this was the greatest debate since sliced bread)

 

So to the folks at ABC who concocted this silly debate about nothing important:

 

SHAME ON YOU!

 

 

 

 

cheney is a pirate

April 11, 2008

Am I the only one here more disturbed by the fact he is smiling than whateverthehell is reflected in his glasses?

 

Here you see the oh-so popular naked woman in his glasses, the naked woman being his arm holding a damn fishing rod.  Amazing how many people need glasses.

“heh heh heh… here fishy fishy”

 

 

 

And here, good god, is the snarl/smile I am used to.

“Argh! Ye needs to walk thee plank!”

Me thinks he would have been a great pirate 200 years ago.

Heck, he’s a great pirate today.

dick cheney \

 

Hasnt this county had enough creepy dirty old white men who use strong heroic young men and women as pawns in their political and **cough oil-mongering cough**  financial agendas?

 

enough is enough.

 

And stop smiling!

 

amelie vs. mr. rogers

April 9, 2008

  posting such things in this blog makes me think of the movie Amelie, when she records the bike race with the horse, the dancing guy with one leg, and gives them to the Glass Man.    

 

Not sure if I feel more like the Glass Man or Amelie.  

 

Both are secluded from the world, though only Amelie’s seclusion is self inflicted.