I just got laid off

July 2, 2008

fucking brick wall











Yesterday. She was very sorry, you see, because they are going to loose their second house, they have to sell one of their cars, and fire the cleaning lady, and get rid of me, their sole employee.

Did I mention she is having baby #3 next month?

And she kept saying

“i’m so sorry, so sorry”
and standing there with a sad look on her face while I TRY TO MAKE HER feel better about it

“its okay, I understand you have to,” I say, trying not to cry.

“I’m so sorry” “I’m really sorry”
as my nose turns red, and my eyes water up.

“it’s ok, really, I’ll be fine”

“oh no. now I made you cry. I’m so sorry”

“stop saying that!”

Her kids were crying so she left to go soothe them, and I burst into tears as I packed up the day’s orders and made shipping labels.

I left early and went straight home to cry on the couch, and then took 4 ativans, which made me feel like a freightliner filled with bricks (and gave me a headache this morning) and watched tv until bedtime, where I swiftly fell asleep.

This morning, slightly hungover, I feel… a bit numb.

All this work I have been doing for the last couple of weeks, new thoughts of possitive thinking, new medication (he added wellbutrin to get rid of some pesky sexual side effects) and new outlook… I was doing better. I was able to sleep at night and wake up and get things done at work, and generally (not all the time) be alright.

Now I hit this wall.
I have two weeks.
I don’t know if I can handle the job search.
I don’t know if I want to work for someone
I just want to get in my car and drive and drive and drive.
I never want to work again.

I just want to go back to bed, but alas…. I am here at work… for now.


not good

May 21, 2008

Yeah. Last night was not good.

It started at work, on an errand, I had some trouble finding the parking lot for the store I went to (it was unmarked and shady looking) and then I couldnt find what I needed, and was on the wrong floor, and then when they said to pull my car around to the loading dock, the dock wasnt open, so I kept driving back and forth, and then all of a sudden, it was open and they stood their and looked at me like I was an idiot for taking so long.

That was ok.  I could have handled that.  No problem.

Then on the freeway coming back to work, I transitioned to the next freeway going North, but I really needed to go South.  Fuck.  This set me off, and I was instantly in tears, banging on my steering wheel.  I then proceeded to scream loudly (just so you know, I am not a screamer, I am very introverted and quiet and usually hold things in).  I screamed twice, and then turned around and went back to work.

Later, at home, I watched some election coverage and the speaches and ate dinner.  We decided to work on a promotional project of mine, which has taken quite a bit of time thus far, and we tried to figure out the text and what it would say.  This has been in my mind for days now, and nothing seems like it will work.  I finally got frustrated and gave up and started a bath for myself.  The BF came in and mentioned I easily get frustrated with things.  I mumbled “yeah” and he asked if I should be going for this freelance stuff and I mumbled “maybe not”

Then I proceeded to cry and sob in the bathtub for an hour, went to bed, cried some  more and fell asleep.

My eyes are tearing up right now thinking about it (and yes, they are very puffy from last night’s crying)


Here it is:

Am I doomed to work jobs I hate all my life?
Will I never be able to work on my own projects on my own time and enjoy them?
Can I not handle freelance jobs?
Can I not do what I want to do?


Should I just give up and go on disability and start an alcohol problem and eventually get to the point where I am suicidal?

I feel lost.





April 23, 2008



I was just thinking about the comment I made earlier regarding driving through the intersection and feeling ok with the idea of someone plowing into my car a high speeds.


I just realized I have a strange fascination with thoughts of deadly car collisions, and have so for years.  


As a kid, I would lay in bed at night imagining being in a crashed car, being rescued by the jaws of life, some strong fireman, and flashing lights of emergency vehicles…


One  time specifically I must have been quite distraught, driving to or from the house of a man I was dating (might I expose the fact I was 21 and he was 39).  I remember imagining what it would be like to drive into the concrete barrier at top speed, or off the freeway where it drops, unfenced, down a steep ravine.

Every time I go on a trip, especially with the BF in the car, I get a slight panic attack at the idea of a car coming into our lane and wiping us out.  In fact, last night driving to the store I was struck by that same panic when a car put his blinker in the lane next to me.  

I remember being in 4 car accidents. Two as a child in our minivan, both not mom’s fault, and two later in life…

The first one was a hit and run; some guy decided to go straight in an inside turn lane, and us turning in the outside turn lane proved to be in the way. slam! my mom had a sore neck and shoulder for a while, and I got to talk to the policeman, though I was only 4 or 5 and somewhat unaware of what really happened.

The second one was a full on rear ending, the guy was going at least 40, and we were dead stopped, waiting for cars to pass in order to turn down our street.  The guy said “i didn’t see you” (hello? minivan?  not so mini)  my mom’s glasses ended up in the trunk, she had neck pain for a while again, and I got to talk to a policeman once again (must have been 7 or 8 by then)  My mom still avoids turning at that part of the road.

#3 was less than a month after I got my drivers license.  boy was I sad after that.  I made a left hand turn in front of oncoming traffic, and was t-boned. It was technically my fault, though I have some great excuses. #1: the roads were slick from rain  #2: the t-boner was going at least 35 in a 25 zone  #4: some pedestrian jumped into the driveway I was aiming for, so I had to stop my car in order not to run him over (then look to my right and say “shit!” and brace for impact)

and the most recent, the fourth was quite a while ago, let’s see… I was 22 and ex-fiance (another story) was driving us down the freeway Southbound to a concert (one of our first dates).  Traffic was a little heavy, but not bad, good flow.  Northbound there was suddenly at least 50 motorcycles, loud, weaving, one guy was doing a wheelie (on the freeway!!!), of course this caught the attention of the easily amused ex-fiance (another story) and he failed to look ahead of him.  I was looking ahead and, in slow motion, mouthing/reaching for the steering wheel/trying to yell “loookooooooout!” brrrraaaaaaaake”
and we rear-ended some poor soccer mom with her two tots in the back. She and the tots were ok, but ex-fiance’s expensive eddie baur edition jeep cherokee (another story) was not.



Nothing since (looking around for wood to knock on) but it freaks me out to be on the freeways still-

though i suppress that fear….

like everything else….