I think this is all bullshit.

I just wrote a check for rent from my dwindling checking account, still have not found a job, and for that matter, just don’t want to.  Thinking of getting something stupid like a waitressing job while i figure things out. I just know I can’t pay rent for September.

I have been thinking of moving to some artsy community, finding a cheap place to live, and working in a studio and selling art. I want to get off all my meds, even birth control.  I want to stop depending on my car so much.  I want to stop spending more than 75% of my (former)income on rent and utilities and food.  I want to simplify.  

I just dont want to be here.

 

I want to leave.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two weeks.

I’ve had two weeks off since my last day, and it’s getting old.  The first week though, i went on a trip.

The second week, which is lingering here tonight, I threw out my back.  I’m thinking slipped disk here.
Sharp stabbing pain when I walk, when I sit, when I sneeze, when I turn over at night.

Not fun.

And, NOT ONE REPLY FROM ANY JOB APPLICATIONS!

 

what the fuck?

 

I also cancelled my appointment with my psych last monday.  He had started me on Wellbutrin TWICE a day, which made me all jittery, jerky, nauseous, and man, that buzzing in the ears- shit. It was bad.

So I gave myself an unproffesional opinion and cut down to my original once daily regimen.

 

I do feel better.  And I dont really want to go back.  He was a dick, and said that therapy was basically a bunch of crap.  Drugs are the only way!  If everyone just took drugs then our society would be a happier one.  Um… are you serious?

And my therapist- I saw her thursday, sitting/writhing in pain on the couch, while we basically shot the shit.  It was pointless and felt like highway robbery when I handed over my co-pay.

We scheduled an appointment for monday.  I cancelled Friday.

 

Yeah.  Not sure what to think about that.  Not sure what to think about many things.  Like career-wise.  I think I need to take a few classes to get myself up to par.  No one is answering my emails!  Not even the lame-ass postings for receptionist.  (i’m getting a bit desperate here)

I am ok for rent for August, but am screwed if I dont get paid by September.  Something has to happen!

Oh Strange Universe, I have a feeling something is out there, I just hope it shows up soon.

my last day

July 11, 2008

 

yup.

It’s friday, my last day here at this job.  While last week I was distraught and crying for 2 days in a row, something clicked and I realized this needed to happen a long time ago (but preferably on my terms).

I got too comfortable here.  There wasn’t much to do, except process a couple of orders a day (which took maybe 20 minutes total)  and post scammy housing ads on craigslist.  Definately not gonna miss that.  

This job was so draining.  I would spend hours a day online reading blogs, writing blog posts, reading the news, trying to get the hours to pass, and feeling guilty for not really working.  All that boredom and guilt has really dragged me down.  

I won’t miss hearing my boss scream bloody murder at her kids (pregnant women are so cranky).  I won’t miss hearing her complain about her non-participant-in-parenting husband.  I won’t miss her husband either.  

I will miss her kids though.  I had never been around kids for a long period of time (almost 2 years) watching them grow and change.  When I started, the youngest wasn’t even crawling.  Now she is running down the driveway (with mother screaming bloody murder) and telling me to get to work in the office.  I think her mother is teaching her well.

This beautiful companion of a plant.  I will miss the plant.  It was dying outside in the baking sun, wilted brown and yellow, sad and pathetic when I started, and I brought it inside for less light (there is a big skylight) and watered it, and talked to it.  Now it is green and lucious.  I feel we really connected.  And in 7.5 hours, I will leave it to it’s impending doom.  

I have not found another job yet.  Not one single reply to my emails and attached resumes.  Did I accidentally list my skill of “wasting between 5-7 hours a day lazily reading blogs and surfing the net”?   Shoot.  I’ll have to correct that.

But I’ll be okay. In fact, I am taking a 5 day trip back east to visit a friend.  It will be nice to get out of town for a few days, celebrate my freedom, have some girl talk, and hang out with her 2 year old.  I will be refreshed and energized when I come back, ready to pound the pavement (that phrase reminds me of my mom) and beg people to pay me large sums of money (with full benefits) for drawing pictures all day.

7.48 hours to go.

I won’t miss this clock.

I just got laid off

July 2, 2008

fucking brick wall

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday. She was very sorry, you see, because they are going to loose their second house, they have to sell one of their cars, and fire the cleaning lady, and get rid of me, their sole employee.

Did I mention she is having baby #3 next month?
Yeah.

And she kept saying

“i’m so sorry, so sorry”
and standing there with a sad look on her face while I TRY TO MAKE HER feel better about it

“its okay, I understand you have to,” I say, trying not to cry.

“I’m so sorry” “I’m really sorry”
as my nose turns red, and my eyes water up.

“it’s ok, really, I’ll be fine”

“oh no. now I made you cry. I’m so sorry”

“stop saying that!”

AAArgh.
Her kids were crying so she left to go soothe them, and I burst into tears as I packed up the day’s orders and made shipping labels.

So…
I left early and went straight home to cry on the couch, and then took 4 ativans, which made me feel like a freightliner filled with bricks (and gave me a headache this morning) and watched tv until bedtime, where I swiftly fell asleep.

This morning, slightly hungover, I feel… a bit numb.

All this work I have been doing for the last couple of weeks, new thoughts of possitive thinking, new medication (he added wellbutrin to get rid of some pesky sexual side effects) and new outlook… I was doing better. I was able to sleep at night and wake up and get things done at work, and generally (not all the time) be alright.

Now I hit this wall.
I have two weeks.
I don’t know if I can handle the job search.
I don’t know if I want to work for someone
I just want to get in my car and drive and drive and drive.
I never want to work again.

I just want to go back to bed, but alas…. I am here at work… for now.

random campus library

This one was perhaps induced by the medication I have been taking (Lexipro anyone?)

My boyfriend and I walked from the parking lot at my old community college (150 miles from where we live) into the main campus area. He went off to his class, and I decided, not being fond of math class, to skip my class, and hang out in the library until he was ready to go home.
It was pretty crowded and I stood watching students bustle here and there, off to their classes, huddled in social groups.
Then one person pointed up to the sky and yelled “that plane is too low!”
Everyone looked up to see a big passenger plane slowly jetting across the sky towards the main library building.
(might I add here that the plane looked really small for being so low, and the library building was about 5 times larger than life, making it look like it was at least 10 stories tall)
The plane was headed directly for the building. At the last second, it pulled up as far as it could, and just cleared a ledge, but then crashed into a raised portion of the roof.

Everyone was screaming and gasping, I put my hand up to my mouth and watched. Then I tried to call 911 on my cell phone, which for some reason was difficult. I ended up connecting to some guy named Richard (who tried to hit on me), and tried to hang up on him, which took a few tries. I never did get through, but by then, sirens were wailing and firemen came.
It was dark and everyone was still in the main area watching and crying as they pulled dead bodies out. They did pull a child out, who was living, and someone in the crowd just hugged her.

I hugged a couple of people. One woman had a teal terrycloth tracksuit on and was middle age. After I hugged her I said I can’t believe that just happened. She said “thank you” as if I had just made that comment about our hug. I started to correct her to say I had meant that about the plane crash, but she walked away.

Strange huh. I think I need help.

Oh that’s right. I am getting help.

What does this all mean?

he believes in me…

June 6, 2008

I finally met with a psycologist.

 

THANK YOU!

whew.  I did a ton of crying, and we didnt get too far, it being a initial meeting to see where I stand, and what the standard procedures are.

It sure went fast too.  Crap. Just like those massages, you blink and its over with.

But one thing that stood out, when talking about my family, friends, relationships, and where I am at the moment, was the fact that my boyfriend believes in me.  She said it, when I was trying to describe why he was trying to motivate me and encourage me, she said “he believes in you”

ding!

holy shit.

He does, doesnt he?

 

wow.

I am thankful for him.

 

I also look forward to the next appointment- friday late afternoon.

 

a dream

June 4, 2008

help!

 

 

The night before last, one part of the dream I remember is my boyfriend pushing me out of bed.

I got back in and he pushed me out again, and I ended up, wrapped in blankets, on the floor.

 

 

What does this mean?

Does this mean I feel like he is pushing me over the edge?
Am I letting him take the blame for me falling off the edge?
I woke up angry yesterday because of this, and ended up crying almost all day.

 

And no, the psychologist never did call back.  
I tried another one, and left another message.

Still no answer.

 

Why is it so hard to reach out for help? 

need?

April 24, 2008

So I heard back yesterday from “jo” at samaritans.org and it got me thinking (forgive me if I go WAY off on tangents…)

Definately was good to write all the stuff that was bothering me in an email and send it off to some stranger who is halfway across the world.  It was a bit releasing, like writing in this blog, but even more so.

The weird part was the response/questions I received back.  They seems a bit robotic at first.  Like the stereotypical  psychologist response: “and how does that make you feel”

Not having gone to therapy sessions, I guess I was just not used to this turn around and come back on me.  What did I expect?  I guess part of me expected the person to say that everything was going to be okay, that the best thing for me is to stick with what I am doing, go to my yoga classes, be thankful for what I have, yadda yadda yadda…

But I guess not.  So I wrote back, trying to answer the questions they came back with, and trying to be honest with myself.  One issue that came up:

My mother
(cue dramatic music here)

In writing to “Jo” I realized that I don’t have the support of my mom.  She loves me, yes. She wants me to succeed, but I think because she never took chances in life, (and I have, unsuccessfully at times) she doesn’t think that doing things outside the box will turn out ok.  Like my freelance work- HUGE for me to be out there like this- super insecure about myself and my work, and well, my last 2 clients hate me!  One won’t even return my emails.  This is not a good boost to my confidence, and makes that little mom voice in my head say, “you should settle down as a secretary at a large secure company and start a long career”

um… no. Even if the idea of being a secretary didn’t make me want to find sharp objects and hurl them in the air over my head, things don’t work like that, like the way they did in the 50’s, where you find a job, work hard, maybe become manager, work at that same company with yearly raises, bonuses until your 65, then retire with a fat pension and take the motorhome around the country for a few years until you end up on your recliner complaining about the nonsense Judge Wapner has to put up with.

Things just don’t work like that, and well, even if they did, I don’t think I would make it at a job like that til 65.  I would snap, and someone would get hurt.

So exposing myself and risking loosing my pride/sanity/hopes/whatlittleconfidanceididhave for doing some freelance work was so risky for me, and terrified me, and I haven’t gone forward with my self promotion stuff/business cards yet because these last two clients (who where undecided in what they wanted and big pains in the arse) are freaking me out.

 What if I can’t do this?

Am I going to burst out crying in frustration and be all pissed off everytime I work on a project?

Am I going to go to bed sobbing every night because I can’t do what people want me to do for their project?  Is this going to ruin my relationship with my BF?

AARGH

so, to get back onto the subject of samaritans.org, they did respond to my response, and are asking some provocative questions that are very useful in untangling the webs in my brain.  One question that has been rattling around in my head since I read it is ” do you really need your mom’s support for this”

wow.  I feel like I don’t have her support, and always felt like I wanted it, but do I really need it?
I need to think about that one for a bit.  (do I need it to succeed?  do I reaaaally need it?)

 

I suggest, even if you aren’t suicidal (which I don’t think I really am, but could picture myself being in the future…) if you just need some anonymous outsider comments that could help you figure things out, give them a try, email is so much easier than calling (at least for me)

Heck, you could even email me (or leave a comment) and we could share our woes and support each other…

 

(did that seem like a pathetic attempt to find friendship?)

 

 

 

i just reached out

April 23, 2008

Okay,

Not having the best of days-

This week so far, I’ve had a really bad back, I feel fat, and I feel my job is not secure.

 

Oh and then add in some online billing problems, some upcoming doctors visits, hanging out with mom and dad, birthdays coming up (and already past), feeling sick, feeling fat (did I mention that), feeling stupid about complaining about stupid things, and well more back pain, and financial woes, career woes…

 

So once my mind gets reeling on these things, I cant let it go-

keeps going and going, and my thoughts become irrational, and I push people away, and feel worse,

and so I start thinking about death.
like:

Going through the intersection on the way to work

“hmm, it wouldn’t be such a bad thing if a car ran a red light and smashed into mine going 40 mph”

 

So I did some research, for people with suicidal thoughts, and depression, and came up with a website that has therapists/councelors you can email, instead of call, cause I am a big pussy when it comes to calling people, even my brother.

samaritans.org

So if you yourself need some safe, anonymous therapy, create yourself a random email account, and send these people an s.o.s.!

So I wrote an email, with a short blurb about me, and what I am feeling.
They say they get back to you within 24 hours…

22.5 to go….