Two weeks.

I’ve had two weeks off since my last day, and it’s getting old.  The first week though, i went on a trip.

The second week, which is lingering here tonight, I threw out my back.  I’m thinking slipped disk here.
Sharp stabbing pain when I walk, when I sit, when I sneeze, when I turn over at night.

Not fun.

And, NOT ONE REPLY FROM ANY JOB APPLICATIONS!

 

what the fuck?

 

I also cancelled my appointment with my psych last monday.  He had started me on Wellbutrin TWICE a day, which made me all jittery, jerky, nauseous, and man, that buzzing in the ears- shit. It was bad.

So I gave myself an unproffesional opinion and cut down to my original once daily regimen.

 

I do feel better.  And I dont really want to go back.  He was a dick, and said that therapy was basically a bunch of crap.  Drugs are the only way!  If everyone just took drugs then our society would be a happier one.  Um… are you serious?

And my therapist- I saw her thursday, sitting/writhing in pain on the couch, while we basically shot the shit.  It was pointless and felt like highway robbery when I handed over my co-pay.

We scheduled an appointment for monday.  I cancelled Friday.

 

Yeah.  Not sure what to think about that.  Not sure what to think about many things.  Like career-wise.  I think I need to take a few classes to get myself up to par.  No one is answering my emails!  Not even the lame-ass postings for receptionist.  (i’m getting a bit desperate here)

I am ok for rent for August, but am screwed if I dont get paid by September.  Something has to happen!

Oh Strange Universe, I have a feeling something is out there, I just hope it shows up soon.

not good

May 21, 2008

Yeah. Last night was not good.

It started at work, on an errand, I had some trouble finding the parking lot for the store I went to (it was unmarked and shady looking) and then I couldnt find what I needed, and was on the wrong floor, and then when they said to pull my car around to the loading dock, the dock wasnt open, so I kept driving back and forth, and then all of a sudden, it was open and they stood their and looked at me like I was an idiot for taking so long.

That was ok.  I could have handled that.  No problem.

Then on the freeway coming back to work, I transitioned to the next freeway going North, but I really needed to go South.  Fuck.  This set me off, and I was instantly in tears, banging on my steering wheel.  I then proceeded to scream loudly (just so you know, I am not a screamer, I am very introverted and quiet and usually hold things in).  I screamed twice, and then turned around and went back to work.

Later, at home, I watched some election coverage and the speaches and ate dinner.  We decided to work on a promotional project of mine, which has taken quite a bit of time thus far, and we tried to figure out the text and what it would say.  This has been in my mind for days now, and nothing seems like it will work.  I finally got frustrated and gave up and started a bath for myself.  The BF came in and mentioned I easily get frustrated with things.  I mumbled “yeah” and he asked if I should be going for this freelance stuff and I mumbled “maybe not”

Then I proceeded to cry and sob in the bathtub for an hour, went to bed, cried some  more and fell asleep.

My eyes are tearing up right now thinking about it (and yes, they are very puffy from last night’s crying)

 

Here it is:

Am I doomed to work jobs I hate all my life?
Will I never be able to work on my own projects on my own time and enjoy them?
Can I not handle freelance jobs?
Can I not do what I want to do?

 

Should I just give up and go on disability and start an alcohol problem and eventually get to the point where I am suicidal?

I feel lost.

 

 

 

I am sore

April 28, 2008

Namaste!

 

So I took my first yoga class last night.

It was a mellow class to “open up the spine”

I must admit I felt 2 inches taller after class, and the throbbing in my back was significantly decreased.

Mentally too, it was good.  I feel less depressed today, and the pain in my muscles makes me feel like I did something constructive.
I was a little uncomfortable at first, it being my first class, not knowing anyone, learning something completely new.  The instructor went around in a circle and asked about our body concerns and current events.  Most people talked about their lower back, upper back etc.  When it came to my turn, I just blurted out that my back went out 2 weeks ago.  I felt stupid because I started out class with a total lie.  What was the reasoning for that?  Sure my back has been bothering me for a couple of weeks, but it certainly has not gone out, not since last year.  Did I want sympathy?  Extra attention?  shock value? 

Dont know.

 But class went on, even with my Karma reducing lie that may or may not have been discovered by the instructor.  (it did still stick in my mind throughout class, and still does today) 

I signed up for a 10 class deal (so I guess I have to go back 9 times) and I can tell my back really needs it.

Today,  I am sore.  Muscles I never knew  existed have been stretched and tested and now they protest.  I was probably the least flexable in class, a little discerning when I was the only one sitting vertical when everyone else bends over their legs and touches their forheads to their knees.  

I suppose we all have to start somewhere…

 

i just reached out

April 23, 2008

Okay,

Not having the best of days-

This week so far, I’ve had a really bad back, I feel fat, and I feel my job is not secure.

 

Oh and then add in some online billing problems, some upcoming doctors visits, hanging out with mom and dad, birthdays coming up (and already past), feeling sick, feeling fat (did I mention that), feeling stupid about complaining about stupid things, and well more back pain, and financial woes, career woes…

 

So once my mind gets reeling on these things, I cant let it go-

keeps going and going, and my thoughts become irrational, and I push people away, and feel worse,

and so I start thinking about death.
like:

Going through the intersection on the way to work

“hmm, it wouldn’t be such a bad thing if a car ran a red light and smashed into mine going 40 mph”

 

So I did some research, for people with suicidal thoughts, and depression, and came up with a website that has therapists/councelors you can email, instead of call, cause I am a big pussy when it comes to calling people, even my brother.

samaritans.org

So if you yourself need some safe, anonymous therapy, create yourself a random email account, and send these people an s.o.s.!

So I wrote an email, with a short blurb about me, and what I am feeling.
They say they get back to you within 24 hours…

22.5 to go….