is this normal?

Let me ask you a question.

During the day, when stress hits you upside the head, and thoughts start going in circles and life seems bleak, do you imagine yourself doing violent things?

Do you picture yourself stabbing the computer screen with your fork or repeatedly smashing your head on a wall hook until it pops open like a coconut filled with strawberry jam?

 

When I was a kid, and forced to sit in school, where I was bored and unhappy, I realized something: no matter what people force you to do, where you are forced to be during the day, what you have to get done, you always have the privacy of your own thoughts, and can nod and sweetly smile while thinking “fuck you”

Was I a morbid kid?  Maybe just not understood.

It used to be focused against teachers and parents and authoritative types. Imagining myself yelling at them, flipping them off, shoving them out of the way as I leave the room, dancing the can-can on the desks and kicking them, mostly just talking back and screaming.  I did a lot of mental screaming as a kid.

It carries over to today still, imagining hurling myself over balconies at museums, imagining the car accelerating into a telephone pole or off the edge of the road, imagining stabbing myself with scissors, or knives, imagining myself screaming.  Occasionally I’ll have to take a shower where I’ll open my mouth and silently scream as the water runs and I sob for a while.

 

Where is this sadness coming from?

My doctor says that everyone occasionally thinks the world would be better without them. 

So is this normal.

Am I ok?

 

It feels like I should have a specific reason- like being raped/molested as a kid, or seeing a parent die as a kid.

But as far as my memory serves me, I have not been through any such event.

(and it makes me more sad that I am sad for no reason)

not good

Yeah. Last night was not good.

It started at work, on an errand, I had some trouble finding the parking lot for the store I went to (it was unmarked and shady looking) and then I couldnt find what I needed, and was on the wrong floor, and then when they said to pull my car around to the loading dock, the dock wasnt open, so I kept driving back and forth, and then all of a sudden, it was open and they stood their and looked at me like I was an idiot for taking so long.

That was ok.  I could have handled that.  No problem.

Then on the freeway coming back to work, I transitioned to the next freeway going North, but I really needed to go South.  Fuck.  This set me off, and I was instantly in tears, banging on my steering wheel.  I then proceeded to scream loudly (just so you know, I am not a screamer, I am very introverted and quiet and usually hold things in).  I screamed twice, and then turned around and went back to work.

Later, at home, I watched some election coverage and the speaches and ate dinner.  We decided to work on a promotional project of mine, which has taken quite a bit of time thus far, and we tried to figure out the text and what it would say.  This has been in my mind for days now, and nothing seems like it will work.  I finally got frustrated and gave up and started a bath for myself.  The BF came in and mentioned I easily get frustrated with things.  I mumbled “yeah” and he asked if I should be going for this freelance stuff and I mumbled “maybe not”

Then I proceeded to cry and sob in the bathtub for an hour, went to bed, cried some  more and fell asleep.

My eyes are tearing up right now thinking about it (and yes, they are very puffy from last night’s crying)

 

Here it is:

Am I doomed to work jobs I hate all my life?
Will I never be able to work on my own projects on my own time and enjoy them?
Can I not handle freelance jobs?
Can I not do what I want to do?

 

Should I just give up and go on disability and start an alcohol problem and eventually get to the point where I am suicidal?

I feel lost.