I think this is all bullshit.

I just wrote a check for rent from my dwindling checking account, still have not found a job, and for that matter, just don’t want to.  Thinking of getting something stupid like a waitressing job while i figure things out. I just know I can’t pay rent for September.

I have been thinking of moving to some artsy community, finding a cheap place to live, and working in a studio and selling art. I want to get off all my meds, even birth control.  I want to stop depending on my car so much.  I want to stop spending more than 75% of my (former)income on rent and utilities and food.  I want to simplify.  

I just dont want to be here.

 

I want to leave.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two weeks.

I’ve had two weeks off since my last day, and it’s getting old.  The first week though, i went on a trip.

The second week, which is lingering here tonight, I threw out my back.  I’m thinking slipped disk here.
Sharp stabbing pain when I walk, when I sit, when I sneeze, when I turn over at night.

Not fun.

And, NOT ONE REPLY FROM ANY JOB APPLICATIONS!

 

what the fuck?

 

I also cancelled my appointment with my psych last monday.  He had started me on Wellbutrin TWICE a day, which made me all jittery, jerky, nauseous, and man, that buzzing in the ears- shit. It was bad.

So I gave myself an unproffesional opinion and cut down to my original once daily regimen.

 

I do feel better.  And I dont really want to go back.  He was a dick, and said that therapy was basically a bunch of crap.  Drugs are the only way!  If everyone just took drugs then our society would be a happier one.  Um… are you serious?

And my therapist- I saw her thursday, sitting/writhing in pain on the couch, while we basically shot the shit.  It was pointless and felt like highway robbery when I handed over my co-pay.

We scheduled an appointment for monday.  I cancelled Friday.

 

Yeah.  Not sure what to think about that.  Not sure what to think about many things.  Like career-wise.  I think I need to take a few classes to get myself up to par.  No one is answering my emails!  Not even the lame-ass postings for receptionist.  (i’m getting a bit desperate here)

I am ok for rent for August, but am screwed if I dont get paid by September.  Something has to happen!

Oh Strange Universe, I have a feeling something is out there, I just hope it shows up soon.

I just got laid off

July 2, 2008

fucking brick wall

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday. She was very sorry, you see, because they are going to loose their second house, they have to sell one of their cars, and fire the cleaning lady, and get rid of me, their sole employee.

Did I mention she is having baby #3 next month?
Yeah.

And she kept saying

“i’m so sorry, so sorry”
and standing there with a sad look on her face while I TRY TO MAKE HER feel better about it

“its okay, I understand you have to,” I say, trying not to cry.

“I’m so sorry” “I’m really sorry”
as my nose turns red, and my eyes water up.

“it’s ok, really, I’ll be fine”

“oh no. now I made you cry. I’m so sorry”

“stop saying that!”

AAArgh.
Her kids were crying so she left to go soothe them, and I burst into tears as I packed up the day’s orders and made shipping labels.

So…
I left early and went straight home to cry on the couch, and then took 4 ativans, which made me feel like a freightliner filled with bricks (and gave me a headache this morning) and watched tv until bedtime, where I swiftly fell asleep.

This morning, slightly hungover, I feel… a bit numb.

All this work I have been doing for the last couple of weeks, new thoughts of possitive thinking, new medication (he added wellbutrin to get rid of some pesky sexual side effects) and new outlook… I was doing better. I was able to sleep at night and wake up and get things done at work, and generally (not all the time) be alright.

Now I hit this wall.
I have two weeks.
I don’t know if I can handle the job search.
I don’t know if I want to work for someone
I just want to get in my car and drive and drive and drive.
I never want to work again.

I just want to go back to bed, but alas…. I am here at work… for now.