I just got laid off

July 2, 2008

fucking brick wall

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday. She was very sorry, you see, because they are going to loose their second house, they have to sell one of their cars, and fire the cleaning lady, and get rid of me, their sole employee.

Did I mention she is having baby #3 next month?
Yeah.

And she kept saying

“i’m so sorry, so sorry”
and standing there with a sad look on her face while I TRY TO MAKE HER feel better about it

“its okay, I understand you have to,” I say, trying not to cry.

“I’m so sorry” “I’m really sorry”
as my nose turns red, and my eyes water up.

“it’s ok, really, I’ll be fine”

“oh no. now I made you cry. I’m so sorry”

“stop saying that!”

AAArgh.
Her kids were crying so she left to go soothe them, and I burst into tears as I packed up the day’s orders and made shipping labels.

So…
I left early and went straight home to cry on the couch, and then took 4 ativans, which made me feel like a freightliner filled with bricks (and gave me a headache this morning) and watched tv until bedtime, where I swiftly fell asleep.

This morning, slightly hungover, I feel… a bit numb.

All this work I have been doing for the last couple of weeks, new thoughts of possitive thinking, new medication (he added wellbutrin to get rid of some pesky sexual side effects) and new outlook… I was doing better. I was able to sleep at night and wake up and get things done at work, and generally (not all the time) be alright.

Now I hit this wall.
I have two weeks.
I don’t know if I can handle the job search.
I don’t know if I want to work for someone
I just want to get in my car and drive and drive and drive.
I never want to work again.

I just want to go back to bed, but alas…. I am here at work… for now.

my day job

April 8, 2008

Let us start out with my full time job, shall we?

It came about randomly, through an online job search, at a time I was desperate and applying at temp agencies, thinking about waitressing, prostitution, selling a kidney, etc…

 

Not a bad job, pays pretty well, kind of creative (or used to be)

and well, I’m the only one here!

 

Normally, being the unsocial privacy whore I am, I would see this as a great time to have full concentration, freedom from onlookers, the ability to scratch myself in unseen places with ease, and generally an all around zen resort environment to work in.

 

And perhaps having free time to check emails, read the news, and catch up with the latest on my favorite blogs isn’t so bad… perhaps zoning out for 20 minutes at a time, searching for my dream loft apartment that costs more per month than I make a year, and searching for reference photos for my other clients while on the clock for this job isn’t bad at all. 

And it’s not.

It’s kind of nice.  Comfortable even.

 

Maybe a little too comfortable.

If I were my boss, I would fire me.

 

Which is why I am trying to work for myself, a whole other sack of potatoes.

more on this subject another day.