Just a quick one today-

I haven’t been writing, cause I have been dealing.

Not drugs-

But just dealing with life.

Yeah I am depressed, my boyfriend is being supportive, and I still hate myself.
Good news though-
I’m seeing both a psychiatrist AND a psychologist today.

My psychologist suggested I see a psychiatrist and start some medication (which I feel weird about, and weak, and stupid and lame, but I’ll give it a go).

Yes it is complicated, and calling insurance, setting up appointments and whatnot is enough to take someone who is depressed over the edge, but somehow I made it through.

Now, I just have to make it through two “professional” appointments.

And I still feel lame.

In the meanwhile, I found this somewhere on the web, and I love it. I want to do it. Anyone getting rid of a spare pressure washer?

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yeah, i admit it.

May 19, 2008

I miss weed.

 

I admit, about 4 years ago, I was a serious pot-head.  A college graduate, a waitress, a creative person, and a pot head.

I felt more creative when I was high.  I felt so relaxed and invincible when I was high.  Sure I had some paranoia on occasion, and when I was sad, weed made that sadness even stronger.  But it was great.  Listening and playing music was great.  Reading books and watching movies was great.

I miss it.

 

I do realize however, it was a total crutch and I smoked weed to escape from dealing with things.
Perhaps being such an avid pot-head for so many years in a row has left me with little practice in dealing with emotions and memories.  The last 4 years without weed has been hard.  Many times I find myself wishing to escape to my sanctuary of a couple of tokes and a trippy movie like “A Bug’s Life”  (which by the way, if you smoke weed, you should check that one out- their eyes and skin texture is what got me)…

I felt more alive, and more connected to my spiritual self.

Yoga is helping me with that, though it seems to be much more subtle and harder to achieve than smoking and taking a hike in nature.  But it seems like it’s healthier, and my lungs are happier, and I am much more clear headed when the session is over, unlike the lethargic fuzzy mind after smoking too much pot.

 

Why did I stop, you say?  It was getting to the point where it didnt feel that great to smoke.  I felt burnt out, dead to the world, tired of hiding it, tired of not answering the phone when I was high, or answering the phone and acting all weird and freaked out trying to sound normal, tired of unsure drug tests at work, tired of not really wanting to do anything at all. 

Other than that, it was great.       Ha…

 

Just needed to vent, I think my day job would be so interesting if I were high.