I don’t want to do this anymore.

I think this is all bullshit.

I just wrote a check for rent from my dwindling checking account, still have not found a job, and for that matter, just don’t want to.  Thinking of getting something stupid like a waitressing job while i figure things out. I just know I can’t pay rent for September.

I have been thinking of moving to some artsy community, finding a cheap place to live, and working in a studio and selling art. I want to get off all my meds, even birth control.  I want to stop depending on my car so much.  I want to stop spending more than 75% of my (former)income on rent and utilities and food.  I want to simplify.  

I just dont want to be here.

 

I want to leave.

Ouch. (let me count the ways)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two weeks.

I’ve had two weeks off since my last day, and it’s getting old.  The first week though, i went on a trip.

The second week, which is lingering here tonight, I threw out my back.  I’m thinking slipped disk here.
Sharp stabbing pain when I walk, when I sit, when I sneeze, when I turn over at night.

Not fun.

And, NOT ONE REPLY FROM ANY JOB APPLICATIONS!

 

what the fuck?

 

I also cancelled my appointment with my psych last monday.  He had started me on Wellbutrin TWICE a day, which made me all jittery, jerky, nauseous, and man, that buzzing in the ears- shit. It was bad.

So I gave myself an unproffesional opinion and cut down to my original once daily regimen.

 

I do feel better.  And I dont really want to go back.  He was a dick, and said that therapy was basically a bunch of crap.  Drugs are the only way!  If everyone just took drugs then our society would be a happier one.  Um… are you serious?

And my therapist- I saw her thursday, sitting/writhing in pain on the couch, while we basically shot the shit.  It was pointless and felt like highway robbery when I handed over my co-pay.

We scheduled an appointment for monday.  I cancelled Friday.

 

Yeah.  Not sure what to think about that.  Not sure what to think about many things.  Like career-wise.  I think I need to take a few classes to get myself up to par.  No one is answering my emails!  Not even the lame-ass postings for receptionist.  (i’m getting a bit desperate here)

I am ok for rent for August, but am screwed if I dont get paid by September.  Something has to happen!

Oh Strange Universe, I have a feeling something is out there, I just hope it shows up soon.

my last day

 

yup.

It’s friday, my last day here at this job.  While last week I was distraught and crying for 2 days in a row, something clicked and I realized this needed to happen a long time ago (but preferably on my terms).

I got too comfortable here.  There wasn’t much to do, except process a couple of orders a day (which took maybe 20 minutes total)  and post scammy housing ads on craigslist.  Definately not gonna miss that.  

This job was so draining.  I would spend hours a day online reading blogs, writing blog posts, reading the news, trying to get the hours to pass, and feeling guilty for not really working.  All that boredom and guilt has really dragged me down.  

I won’t miss hearing my boss scream bloody murder at her kids (pregnant women are so cranky).  I won’t miss hearing her complain about her non-participant-in-parenting husband.  I won’t miss her husband either.  

I will miss her kids though.  I had never been around kids for a long period of time (almost 2 years) watching them grow and change.  When I started, the youngest wasn’t even crawling.  Now she is running down the driveway (with mother screaming bloody murder) and telling me to get to work in the office.  I think her mother is teaching her well.

This beautiful companion of a plant.  I will miss the plant.  It was dying outside in the baking sun, wilted brown and yellow, sad and pathetic when I started, and I brought it inside for less light (there is a big skylight) and watered it, and talked to it.  Now it is green and lucious.  I feel we really connected.  And in 7.5 hours, I will leave it to it’s impending doom.  

I have not found another job yet.  Not one single reply to my emails and attached resumes.  Did I accidentally list my skill of “wasting between 5-7 hours a day lazily reading blogs and surfing the net”?   Shoot.  I’ll have to correct that.

But I’ll be okay. In fact, I am taking a 5 day trip back east to visit a friend.  It will be nice to get out of town for a few days, celebrate my freedom, have some girl talk, and hang out with her 2 year old.  I will be refreshed and energized when I come back, ready to pound the pavement (that phrase reminds me of my mom) and beg people to pay me large sums of money (with full benefits) for drawing pictures all day.

7.48 hours to go.

I won’t miss this clock.

I’m laid off? Oh yeah? I QUIT!

This is my last week at this job.

I had a bit of a breakdown last Tuesday and Wednesday, but regained focus late on Thursday afternoon.

What a fantastic weekend!  Not to mention it was a holiday weekend, but it was great.  I wish weekends were 5 days a week, and the work week was only 2 days.  I would be able to handle that.

So I got my resume updated, and have sent it out to many places already.   So far, not one response.  It’s okay, I just started sending it out on Sunday, it is only Tuesday (trying to make myself feel better).

OH please let me get a job soon.  And not one that sucks.  Preferably with great benefits, at a higher salary/wage.  Ooo with paid vacations.  In a relaxed environment.  With cool people.

 

oh please….

I just got laid off

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday. She was very sorry, you see, because they are going to loose their second house, they have to sell one of their cars, and fire the cleaning lady, and get rid of me, their sole employee.

Did I mention she is having baby #3 next month?
Yeah.

And she kept saying

“i’m so sorry, so sorry”
and standing there with a sad look on her face while I TRY TO MAKE HER feel better about it

“its okay, I understand you have to,” I say, trying not to cry.

“I’m so sorry” “I’m really sorry”
as my nose turns red, and my eyes water up.

“it’s ok, really, I’ll be fine”

“oh no. now I made you cry. I’m so sorry”

“stop saying that!”

AAArgh.
Her kids were crying so she left to go soothe them, and I burst into tears as I packed up the day’s orders and made shipping labels.

So…
I left early and went straight home to cry on the couch, and then took 4 ativans, which made me feel like a freightliner filled with bricks (and gave me a headache this morning) and watched tv until bedtime, where I swiftly fell asleep.

This morning, slightly hungover, I feel… a bit numb.

All this work I have been doing for the last couple of weeks, new thoughts of possitive thinking, new medication (he added wellbutrin to get rid of some pesky sexual side effects) and new outlook… I was doing better. I was able to sleep at night and wake up and get things done at work, and generally (not all the time) be alright.

Now I hit this wall.
I have two weeks.
I don’t know if I can handle the job search.
I don’t know if I want to work for someone
I just want to get in my car and drive and drive and drive.
I never want to work again.

I just want to go back to bed, but alas…. I am here at work… for now.

I had (another) dream…

This one was perhaps induced by the medication I have been taking (Lexipro anyone?)

My boyfriend and I walked from the parking lot at my old community college (150 miles from where we live) into the main campus area. He went off to his class, and I decided, not being fond of math class, to skip my class, and hang out in the library until he was ready to go home.
It was pretty crowded and I stood watching students bustle here and there, off to their classes, huddled in social groups.
Then one person pointed up to the sky and yelled “that plane is too low!”
Everyone looked up to see a big passenger plane slowly jetting across the sky towards the main library building.
(might I add here that the plane looked really small for being so low, and the library building was about 5 times larger than life, making it look like it was at least 10 stories tall)
The plane was headed directly for the building. At the last second, it pulled up as far as it could, and just cleared a ledge, but then crashed into a raised portion of the roof.

Everyone was screaming and gasping, I put my hand up to my mouth and watched. Then I tried to call 911 on my cell phone, which for some reason was difficult. I ended up connecting to some guy named Richard (who tried to hit on me), and tried to hang up on him, which took a few tries. I never did get through, but by then, sirens were wailing and firemen came.
It was dark and everyone was still in the main area watching and crying as they pulled dead bodies out. They did pull a child out, who was living, and someone in the crowd just hugged her.

I hugged a couple of people. One woman had a teal terrycloth tracksuit on and was middle age. After I hugged her I said I can’t believe that just happened. She said “thank you” as if I had just made that comment about our hug. I started to correct her to say I had meant that about the plane crash, but she walked away.

Strange huh. I think I need help.

Oh that’s right. I am getting help.

What does this all mean?

I’d like to pressure wash my brain away…

Just a quick one today-

I haven’t been writing, cause I have been dealing.

Not drugs-

But just dealing with life.

Yeah I am depressed, my boyfriend is being supportive, and I still hate myself.
Good news though-
I’m seeing both a psychiatrist AND a psychologist today.

My psychologist suggested I see a psychiatrist and start some medication (which I feel weird about, and weak, and stupid and lame, but I’ll give it a go).

Yes it is complicated, and calling insurance, setting up appointments and whatnot is enough to take someone who is depressed over the edge, but somehow I made it through.

Now, I just have to make it through two “professional” appointments.

And I still feel lame.

In the meanwhile, I found this somewhere on the web, and I love it. I want to do it. Anyone getting rid of a spare pressure washer?

diagnosis:

she said she didnt like to give diagnosis’s but she had to for my insurance reasons.

what was it you ask?

 

Major Depressive Disorder

 

its weird. I knew I was depressed, but hearing the diagnosis from a professional is different.

 

Not sure how I feel about that.

Sad. 

I feel sad.

 

he believes in me…

I finally met with a psycologist.

 

THANK YOU!

whew.  I did a ton of crying, and we didnt get too far, it being a initial meeting to see where I stand, and what the standard procedures are.

It sure went fast too.  Crap. Just like those massages, you blink and its over with.

But one thing that stood out, when talking about my family, friends, relationships, and where I am at the moment, was the fact that my boyfriend believes in me.  She said it, when I was trying to describe why he was trying to motivate me and encourage me, she said “he believes in you”

ding!

holy shit.

He does, doesnt he?

 

wow.

I am thankful for him.

 

I also look forward to the next appointment- friday late afternoon.

 

a dream

 

 

The night before last, one part of the dream I remember is my boyfriend pushing me out of bed.

I got back in and he pushed me out again, and I ended up, wrapped in blankets, on the floor.

 

 

What does this mean?

Does this mean I feel like he is pushing me over the edge?
Am I letting him take the blame for me falling off the edge?
I woke up angry yesterday because of this, and ended up crying almost all day.

 

And no, the psychologist never did call back.  
I tried another one, and left another message.

Still no answer.

 

Why is it so hard to reach out for help?